


Taraxacum

by lilacnightmares



Series: Flowers of Paradise [18]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Flashbacks, Guilt, Gun Violence, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Cult Background, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Introspection, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Porn With Plot, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Doubt, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 21:55:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29864622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilacnightmares/pseuds/lilacnightmares
Summary: Overwhelmed and overcome with frustration and exhaustion spurred from the same of his actions in the past, Saeran struggles to find himself in the midst of a wildfire. All he can see is the blood on his hands, even though plenty of time has passed since it happened. He doesn't realize how badly he needs to confront these feelings until he's caught in a lie.Set Post-Petunia. A standalone fic that can read without reading any of the other stories in the series.
Relationships: Choi Saeran/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Flowers of Paradise [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1271537
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	Taraxacum

Recovery wasn’t the easiest thing in the world. 

Saeran didn’t exactly have a say in things when all of this started but he did have a say in how he was handling it now and through therapy, both with Lila and by himself, he was able to say that he wasn’t as bad off as he used to be. There were still a lot of things to unpack and deal with but that came one day at a time in his life and he didn’t want to just open Pandora’s box all at once. 

His therapist advised that wasn’t healthy, anyways, and the last thing Saeran wanted to do was open something that he couldn’t deal with. It was hard enough now that the other alters in his system had awakened due to his opening that box. 

First with Ray, when he had to confront those memories of the time just before he went to Mint Eye. Then with Grave, who fizzled to the surface as the memories of the last days in Mint Eye came up as a topic; Lastly, Su-Jin, who held so many of the traumatic memories from their childhood that not even Saeran could remember. 

Learning to operate his life with the others hadn’t been easy and it was still daunting at times. They had their interests and wants in life, and he couldn’t exactly say no to some of them. It wasn’t like he was the original host of their system, he was the host now, but none of them could recall how it had been long ago.

Only Su-Jin did, but he had been dormant for a very long time, and as a child, it was too taxing for him to talk about. 

So, that wasn’t something they were dealing with. 

Saeran simply let them do as they all wanted as long as everything else was taken care of in the house and if they happened to come out, so be it. Giving up control was hard for him, and it was so hard to remember those times when he split from Grave and became his own person, and without that, it was hard to remember what the balance was like.

They had both been so angry and lost in Mint Eye when it was just the two of them. So, it wasn’t like they had a healthy conversation about that. They were doing that now if you could call what they were doing healthier. 

Grave held onto their anger but he was now using it to channel into music, and that’s how he spent his time after Lila helped him find something. It was something that they worked on in the church before they had been taken by Rika. He found that writing and playing helped him deal with whatever was bothering him. It kept him from wanting to lash out. She saw that and helped him find it. 

Saeran wasn't aware of all the details when it came to what he did, but as far as everyone else in the bunker was concerned, they were in strong agreement that Grave was making positive progress. His actions were less in the way of hurting others with his anger and trying to make amends with it. 

Though there was still no denying that his anger was still inside of him. 

Ray had taken up baking again whenever he wasn’t trying to take care of everyone in the system, and in his free time, he would be working with Lila on photography. She had discovered that he had enjoyed that back in Magenta before he went to “sleep”. 

He didn’t want to be honest about that hobby because of… that man, but she showed him that he could do something if it made him happy. 

Lila insisted that he was a sweetheart who had been protecting Saeran from the moment he woke up, trying to ensure that Saeran was able to keep the life he had created for himself. He was gentle but overly polite. It wasn't bad, but it could be taxing for him. Lila understood very well what that felt like and she was able to empathize with him enough that he was able to talk to someone about it.

As far as Su-Jin went, he was just a kid that liked the attention somewhat, and he spent a long time either clinging to Lila because she’d him watch a lot of cartoons and she’d look the other way if he took one or more pieces of candy, or he could be found clutching onto Saeyoung’s sleeve because he only felt safe when he was scared as long as he was in the room with him.

He found comfort in his big hoodies and plushies but apart from that he wasn't very active in doing this or sharing interests. He seemed to be dealing with his troubles a little bit better now that he had his brother back and he had a new best friend to talk to that he admired. Ray was the one making sure that he was being taken care of for the most part. 

And that left him… Saeran. 

He lost himself somewhere in Mint Eye and found the will to live on when he found himself again in this bunker. That wasn’t to say that he knew who he was for sure. He just hit a wall where he felt like he had an idea of who to be when he wasn’t Unknown. All he felt back then had been angry and the unseeded desire of wanting. 

It had driven him to do horrible things. Yet, The luxury of choice and freedom that came along with it was not something that he was given. He was not able to decide for himself what he wanted to get help. 

It was thrust within his hands and it was decided for him.

It made him angry but at the same time, he didn't have the energy for his anger anymore, and that had been why Grave awoke in the place. Because one of them had to be angry about everything and if he is not able to do it, that’s what Grave does. The same reason why Ray came along when he found himself unable to cope with his memories.

Because at the end of the day, there was a part of him that was ashamed of who he was, and it drew out the need for someone to help him again. It felt impossible to cope sometimes. It felt like he was losing a grip on who he was. 

Who was he? 

What was he, if anything? 

The man that he was at Mint Eye, and the man that he is today is not the same person, and yet, they are the same person. He is the man that went by the name of Unknown, who hacked and destroyed things, but he is also Saeran, a man trying to fight to reclaim his sense of self. But trying to decide who he is between those two people is the hard part. 

It felt like a balancing act that he cannot keep up with. One minute he feels like he has a grip on all that he is and the next, it feels like he’s drowning. Reasoning with Saeyoung and finding the will to live had been there at the start but progress beyond that…? 

His progress had been a bit faster at the start and now it was very stagnant. Watching Ray, Grave, and even Su-Jin made astounding breakthroughs in the matter of the last few months while he's been stuck in the same proverbial circle, put a damper on how he felt about himself. 

Why was it harder for him to cope than it was for them? 

Was it because he was beyond saving?

Even on his good days… even on his bad days… Saeran wished that he would be worthy of her touch. But these feelings burned through the back of his head, he feared that he wasn’t. A muddy feeling of dread and despair lingered on his lungs. 

No matter how disconnected he tried to force himself to become from that memory, both he and Grave held onto that feeling tightly. The latter quietly insisted numerous times that he was the one that pulled that trigger when they had their break. But, they were so twisted together in that one moment of anger and pain that Saeran felt it was just as much his fault. 

Did he even deserve her kindness? 

Was he even worthy of her kindness? 

She might’ve been better off with Ray or even with Grave. Ray always treated her like a princess and held her hand tightly whenever they worked together. It was no wonder and no surprise when he fell deeply in love with Lila, too. He wrenched onto her kindness and empathy and he was scared to let go in case he fell. 

He felt ashamed of those feelings and wrong for loving her, but frankly, Saeran couldn’t be upset about that. 

If anyone met Lila, truly met her, and got to know her? It would only be a matter of time until they loved her so much they couldn’t bear to leave. 

She had taught Ray to explore his interests and those intense feelings between the two of them collided. He spent a while taking photos of her since she had asked him to help her with her outfits. 

Their hands would touch and he would gasp, hurriedly looking away every time because he knew it was love. He spent weeks trying to bury his feelings down in his chest before Saeran told him it was okay. He didn’t own Lila, he never did, and if her heart had more for him as well, he was okay with that. Her fingers caressed and cheek and she kissed him with a gentle fever after that. 

When Ray and Lila were in their little world in the garden, Saeran almost felt envious of that peace they shared. 

She brought a calmness to him when all Ray had known before was anxiety. It was the same way that Lila had shown him what warmth could feel like in a snowstorm. Her touch always made him feel as if he were truly alive. 

And then there was Grave right after that. Grave felt compounded with jealousy since she was giving her affection to Saeran and Ray and it bled into how they interacted. Grave pushed her buttons when they spoke and brought out a fiery side to her that was willing to push back, but never with anger, just with confidence. Yet, Grave didn’t realize it was a love he felt for her at first.

All he had known was anger and sadness, but when she spoke to him and sat nearby as he worked on his violin, he too, felt something gentle touch him. But, it scared Grave and spurned him to push out against her for it. He kissed her without thinking after sparking a debate and then tried to ghost her but Ray and Saeran put an end to that. 

He confronted his feelings and she promised to help him work on his past in a relationship. It wasn’t like Saeran was in competition with them. Their relationships were all founded and built on different principles, and she didn’t love any of them more than the others. She loved all of them truly, equally, without shame.

She loved Ray for his ability to put his energy into everything, she loved Grave for his ability to make her feel human again, and she loved Saeran… 

Why did she love him? 

This was the ultimate question, wasn’t it? 

From the moment they met, he had been less than kind. Yet, she risked everything for him and he still didn’t understand why. He just knew that she held his hands tightly and smiled at him when the rest of the world wouldn’t give him a chance. She saw something in a devil like him but he wasn’t sure if he was ever going to be able to see what that was. 

He dug his nail into his palms and let out a sharp breath. He just needed to bury this down and try to ignore it. Just like his anger. His anger wasn’t going to help him. It was going to hurt him, it was going to hurt her, and he would never allow himself to do that. Even if he felt like he didn’t deserve it, he did not want to lose it. 

He couldn’t lose her, _not again_ , not ever. 

It was bad enough for Saeran when they wouldn’t tell him if she was alive or not in the hospital. Her name sent him into a catatonic state back then, and he couldn’t find the use of his voice for weeks after the fact. Yet, he wished that someone would have told him that she was alive. He… they wouldn’t have let him see her. He probably wouldn’t have let himself, either. 

Just knowing that she was okay might have taken away some of the shame. 

But never the guilt he carried. It was like the tattoo on his shoulder. It would stay with him as long as he was alive, and as long as he was alive, there was no way to forget the acts of the past. There was no changing the acts of the past and while he had control over his future, there were times like this when the lines blurred together what he knew and what he didn’t trust in himself. 

Saeran sucked in a sharp breath and slid his hand across the sheets to grasp his phone. It was better if she wasn’t around him tonight when he felt like he couldn’t shake off the memories of Mint Eye. It’s easier that way to make sure that he doesn’t give into a memory. Clicking Lila’s contact in his phone, he sent her a message to clear the air: 

Saeran Choi: It’s going to be one of those nights.

Saeran Choi: You need to sleep in your workroom, okay?

Lila❤: Are you okay?

Lila❤: I was just about to head home.

Saeran Choi: …

Saeran Choi: There’s a lot on my mind today.

Saeran Choi: Don’t worry.

Lila❤: Alright, Saeran.

Lila❤: I’m just down the hall if you need me. <3

Lila❤: Sleep well, honey.

She would sleep well and that was all that mattered to Saeran. He let his phone slip from his grip and he laid back against the sheets. It was cold and unforgiving to be alone. On a good night, he would like the feeling of her arms wrapped around his waist and her forehead pressed against his shoulder blades but it wasn’t a good night. 

Everyone was rather quiet today, too… and he was glad for it. He didn’t want to talk to any of them against these feelings. That was the hardest part about sharing a living space with them, not all of his feelings were as enclosed as he wanted them to be. It was easier if they didn’t know that he was falling into this again. 

He couldn’t ignore his problems forever, but at moments like this, he wanted to go to sleep and not wake up for a while. 

* * *

Saeran should have known that he couldn’t dodge Lila forever. It had only been a matter of time until she noticed that something was wrong. She was acutely aware of when things weren’t alright. That for one and the fact that he skipped out on their joint therapy session for the month. 

They both had their own sessions but they came together to discuss their needs together. 

Saeyoung suggested it. He had seen how they were together and he didn’t want them to lose that feeling where it stood. It wasn’t the worst thing, though, and honestly, it helped a lot when it came down to figuring out how to level ground with Grave and Ray. 

He never skipped out on those. 

If that wasn’t enough, he didn’t realize he even missed it. 

That was because his last memory over the last few days had been falling asleep alone. Apart from that, he didn’t remember where all of the time went. Saeran sat upright in bed and blinked, the daze starting to leave his eyes and his vision clearing up to reveal that Lila was in front of him. It startled him just so much that he trembled. 

He wasn’t sure why. 

And she gently caught him by the wrist before he could pull too far away, her eyes locked on his, and neither of them made a point of moving. Lila let go of him almost as soon as she grasped him and let out a small apology in return for not asking consent first. 

“I’m sorry, I should have asked,” she murmured with a small frown. “You wouldn’t answer me when I was calling you and I— I didn’t know what else to do to get your attention.”

“S’okay,” his voice sounded hoarse, and he winced at it. She caught in a vulnerable way and he didn’t have any way of wiping it away or trying to act like he hadn’t been upset. He and Lila had a system for this shit. 

He wouldn’t be able to talk about everything that was bothering him, but he understood that he has limitations and boundaries. 

They both did after what happened in Mint Eye. 

On his worst days, she would sleep in a different room because he was paranoid of his nightmares and night terrors. The last thing he wanted was to lash out and hurt her. She was so much smaller than him and no matter how much she claimed that she was not afraid of it, he was afraid of it. 

Afraid of that damned anger. 

That was the fucking point. Why Grave had come around, why Ray had come around, and even why Su-Jin had come around. 

Because he was struggling to stay afloat. 

She meant so much to him and he frankly didn’t deserve her after everything that he did. Her blood was plastered on his hands no matter how much he tried to wash it away. He dragged her into a cult because he didn’t want to share her with the RFA, and she suffered because of his selfish desires to have someone who idolized him. 

He didn’t even stop Rika from hurting her in the basement because he knew that he had no choice but to obey; but, he could have stopped it before she was forced to swallow the elixir and lose herself. 

And yet, even though she got angry and bitter at everything, her kindness and devotion to him were what stayed true. 

Even though she may not have been fully aware of everything she was doing, all of her acts had been because she cared about him. Rika manipulated her vulnerability and compassion for him into a loaded gun and kept her blitzed out of her mind so she never stabilized. 

Even now, he had a hard time understanding how she was able to hold onto a shred of the person that she was before Wisteria dug her thorns in. Isn’t that why they were even here right now? It wasn’t until after the fact and the storm had settled that he realized just how much she had done to try and save him from everyone and everything. 

In her delirium, she didn’t trust anyone but she begged Saeyoung to go and save him. 

She gave them the information, just enough, to make sure that he could be found and protected, and then left herself to rot in the basement. She had no way of knowing that anyone would ever come back to find her but she still willingly stayed behind to cover for them. She suffered for him every step of the way. 

That wasn’t even counting what Rika later admitted to doing to Jumin and Jihyun. She had drugged Lila in punishment sessions over extended periods because she simply stated: I needed her to be pliant for the hacker. She was made to believe that they were meant to Unknown and by her taking it, it was stopping Unknown from taking any more than Mint Eye required. 

That had been a lie. 

Despite all of that suffering that she had faced in Mint Eye, she came out of it with a tired smile on her face that was meant for him. She held tightly to his hand and promised they would mend their broken teacups together with gold. She stood by him, and he never deserved that, but she chose to stand by his side every step of the way in recovery. 

How she kept her smile was beyond his reasoning. It didn’t make sense to him. Oftentimes, she didn’t make sense to him because she was so… she was everything that he wasn’t. She suffered for him, and she even tried to stop him from doing the unspeakable to someone. 

She loved him with such a passion that it frightened him. 

No one ever loved him like this. 

He and Grave both felt guilt over that day. His hands… their hands… stained with her blood as they pleaded with her to not die. That was ultimately the trigger that snapped the two of them apart once again for good, no longer blurring together amid their extreme anger.

It just didn't click until Grave truly woke up again recently for him to feel the brunt of the memory. 

How could she look at him like this? How did she hold him like this? Did it even occur to her to think twice? Saeran couldn't be that forgiving by any means. He hated himself for what happened. He had apologized time and time again but words meant nothing when he had to prove something to make things right. 

His heart didn't have that capacity for that forgiveness. 

He wasn't sure if he could forgive himself much less anyone that wronged him. There was too much of a burden on his heart for that. And, the worst part was that as much as he wanted to cry, he just didn't have the capacity for it anymore. He was just numb, now. Numb like the feeling inside of his chest that bit at his heels. 

“Can I touch you?” 

“...Yes.” 

Lila swiped away the tears from the corner of his eyes with her thumbs. He found himself dazed at that point once again, wondering when she'd shifted to cradling his face in her hands. Normally, when this happened, he would kiss her hand and tell her that he wanted to talk over text. It was easier to vent that way. 

But, right now? 

He didn't have the heart to ask her to leave or the strength to use his phone. 

"I'm…" 

"Don't rush, okay?" 

Saeran sucked in a breath and slowly nodded his head. He could do that much. His thoughts were not in any way coherent. It was less of a fixation now and more of an uneasy feeling that threatened to take him over. Was he trembling or was that his imagination? 

"Saeran, you didn't have to deal with this alone," she said, gently. "I know you like to be alone if it gets too bad, but… you were catatonic. I don't know what's wrong but I'm here, is this okay? Is it okay for me to touch you? Tell me if it isn’t. I will leave." 

Her hands were warm against his chilled skin. It felt like a toasty fireplace in the dead of a heavy winter. Saeran didn’t want her to leave. Maybe it was selfish of him but he couldn’t imagine being alone and feeling like this. He lifted one of his hands and pressed it against his so that he could lean into her soft embrace. 

“Don’t go,” he said. 

“I’ll always stay for you,” she responded. 

Saeran focused on the low sound of her breathing instead of the sounds of his clattering heart. That was a sound that always calmed him. Even when they were trapped in Magenta, he could remember those moments when she would coax him to bed and he’d rest his heart against her heart. 

Who knew that such a simple sound could comfort you? 

It wasn’t quite clear what went wrong or what happened, but he knew that she was here with him and keeping him tethered to the earth. He could hear a faint whisper in the back of his head that sounded a lot like Ray: _“You’ve been asleep for three days, Saeran. She’s been worried about you.”_

What? 

Three days. That was the longest time that he had ever blurred from the surface. It took all of his energy not to lose himself back to the panic. 

God, what if he never woke up again? 

Was that what happened to Ray? He’s just living his life and then it’s ripped away from him; the next thing he knows is being awake in a place that he doesn’t know and with people, he can’t remember ever meeting. 

Saeran couldn’t imagine what that felt like nor did he want to know what it was to know that firsthand. 

“How long?” 

“...” 

His mint eyes met hers with the unease still pooling in the back of his throat as he spoke, “Lila, how long was I out?” 

She didn’t look away from him as she spoke to him, “Ray’s been fronting since Sunday. Su-Jin was out because I promised I’d take him out for ice cream this week but other than that, it’s been Ray and me. It’s Wednesday, now, my darling. So, it’s been three days since we last spoke like this. Do you need a minute to process that?” 

Saeran mustered a small nod. She slowly entrenched her hand from his face and held out her hands for him to sink into. He slumped forward against her torso and wrapped his arms around her loosely as she ran her fingers through his hair. This was the only place that he knew that he was truly safe. Nobody else in this world understood him to the depth that she did. Saeyoung could come close, but it was too messy for him to help. 

This was a fear that he had. 

No, it was a fear that they all held in some capacity. Being erased from the world and disappearing from this life like the wave of a wand. But it was the strongest for him because there were times when he had wanted to disappear and times when he was so scared of it that he couldn’t stomach letting go of her hand. 

And she would wait for him to catch his breath so she could pull him from the murky water that had tried to drown him. “I...” 

She shook her head, “Breathe, Saeran. I can wait. Take your time with what you want to say and I’ll listen. I know that it must have been overwhelming but I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” 

Saeran breathed in deeply, the faintest scent of strong florals floating in the air. She likely had just come from the garden before she came to check on him. There wasn’t a big one here, not as big as he wanted, but it was a lot more than they expected when they started living in this bunker without any natural windows or sunlight. 

It calmed him somewhat. 

It took a few minutes for him to clear his thoughts and catch up with everything that was going on but once he felt like he had better control of his emotions, he felt like he could explain some of what he’d been feeling lately. “I didn’t… mean to scare you,” he said, eyes staying shut as the soft fabric of the pink sweater she wore brushed against his cheek. “I just… I just felt so… ashamed of myself.” 

“What do you have to be ashamed of?” she asked. 

“Everything, nothing, I don’t know? I just don’t understand why— why you’re still here with me after every horrible thing I’ve done to you, Lila,” he strained. He tried to keep his voice in check but it would still crack with every other word. “I hate dealing with this emotional crap but I just—how can you look at a monster like me and see something worth anything?” 

She stilled against him, so much so that he could feel the way her breath hitched. Her grasp on him tightened. “I don’t think you’re a monster, Saeran Choi. I’ve never seen you as one.”

“That’s where you’re too nice, princess,” the bite in Saeran’s voice wasn’t meant to be directed at her but he was hyper-aware of his every action now. “I was a monster, and I’m still someone that could lose control at any moment. I’m still a monster. You trusted me countless times and what did that get you? Nothing but elixir and suffering. If I were you, I would hate me. I would hate me and blame me forever for ruining what shred of happiness you had left inside of your heart—”

“Stop,” she said with gentleness. She let go of him for a moment to gently nudge his head back so he could meet her eyes. He stared up at her through blurry tears that had started to spill over again. Normally, he hid a lot of these feelings underneath a rough and crass bluster, but he couldn’t anymore. 

He was swallowed by these feelings and he couldn’t escape them. 

It made him feel pathetic and pitiful. 

“I don’t hate you, Saeran. I never could. We’ve talked about this before… I don’t blame you for what happened to me. I made my choice back then and that woman is the one that abused my love for you to make me lose myself. That wasn’t you. You never wanted me to drink the elixir, and you’d spent so much time lost in that place that you couldn’t stop it. I don’t blame you.” 

_She should_ , his mind hissed. _She should glower at you every chance she gets and blame you for everything. She should cower and beg for you to never do it again. You should live with that. She should hate you for what you’ve done, and you should live with that for the rest of your wretched life, monster._

“You should,” he said, flatly. 

“What would that even do for me, though? I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to hate everything and everyone. I want to live my life trying to be happy and you make me happy. You’re my everything, and I want to be with you. You’re what makes me happy and I don’t care what anyone has to say about that. I choose you, Saeran Choi, and if I had to start all over again, I would pick you every single time.” 

There was a pause… three seconds… doubt and fear tinged with something else. She was too kind to him every time. 

“I hurt you,” Saeran changed direction and tried to reason with that thought. He looked away from her at the faint flickering of the idle screen. “I can’t even look at myself in my mirror, Lila. I can’t look at my hands because every time I look down, all I can see— all I can see is— there’s so much—there’s just so much—” 

His breath quickened once again and Lila pulled away, grasping at his hands with a tender grip. He stared at her with wide eyes as she lifted his hands into view. She curled her fingers against his and looked down at them. “There’s no blood on your hands anymore, Saeran. Look, there’s no blood on these hands.” 

His mint eyes flickered down to where they were connected. 

She was right. 

There was no blood on his hands, no sticky saturation of red that bathed his hands with everything that had spilled out of her that day. It was just her hand and his. He could see where her small hands barely covered his, the peach nail polish she was wearing and the black that she painted for him. Just the two of them holding each other. 

“See,” she repeated herself once again with a small smile. It was her attempt at reassuring him. “I promise, there’s no blood on your hands.” 

“...” 

It was far from the past that he was haunted by. 

“We both have things that we’re not proud of, Saeran, but just because you made a mistake doesn’t mean that I should hate you for it. I forgave you for everything that happened. Your hands aren’t just bathed in mistakes. These hands are wonderful and capable of so many good things, too.” She pressed her lips to the back of his palm. 

He shook his head, “What good is there?” 

“I don’t think we’d have enough time for me to list all of the ways that these hands don’t haunt me to comfort you, Saeran. I don’t want to overwhelm you. I love you, I love more than anyone or anything in this world. These hands didn’t hurt me. These hands love me, too. You grab my hand when I’m struggling to catch my breath. You share things with me and hold me close. You touch me just where I need you and you and—”

Lila cut herself off before she could get too far in her thoughts. She shook her head and squeezed his hands. He squeezed back as a reflex, letting her know that he was listening and that he had heard all that she had to say to him. 

She wanted to show him that he was capable of good just as much as he thought he was capable of bad. 

“These hands are made for love, too, Saeran. They’re my favorite part of you… you can hold me with them, and you can show me how to love my body again,” she whispered, brown eyes sparkling with such warmth he felt oversaturated. A breathless laugh against her lips. “Do you know that? I didn’t know that I could love what I looked like until I’d seen the way you looked at me.” 

Even though he felt drained and exhausted by his own emotions, her words made him want to laugh, too. Had she gone mad? Had she lost her wits? How was it so easy for her to say things like this when he could barely muster a coherent thought? Once again, she somehow found a way to make him stop overthinking everything with just a few words. 

It was a weak laugh that escaped him, though. “You’re ridiculous… I can’t believe that’s what goes on in your head, Lila.” 

“I imagine there’s a few screws loose these days, but that doesn’t change my feelings for you,” She said with a smile. “I know that I can’t say something and make everything better with the wave of my hand or something. But, I don’t want you to go through this alone, Saeran. If you’re angry or scared, I don’t want you to bury it down. Didn’t we talk about this with Grave, too?” 

“...That’s different.”

“It’s not different. You both have the right to be angry about what happened in the first place. Being angry doesn’t make you a monster, remember? It’s that part of you that knows that you didn’t deserve to be hurt in the first place.” 

“When did you get so wise about all of this?” 

“We’ve been working on this for a long time now, remember? I picked up a few things along our walk here.” 

His expression sank. “Sometimes, it just feels like I’m being left behind. You’re getting better every day and even Grave and Ray are making progress. I haven’t… I haven’t made any changes that are huge like that. If anything, I’ve been messing up from minute one. That’s why they had to help me in the first place… because I can’t deal with everything all the time.” 

Lila shook her head at that. He watched as she thought her response over a few things, only pausing to make sure that he could feel her hands against his. “Progress isn’t… Saeran, we all don’t make progress at the same time. Don’t discount how far you’ve come because it feels like Su-Jin, Ray, or Grave have had some breakthroughs. You were the one that decided to get better.” 

Saeran didn’t realize it but she had quelled enough of his nerves that he could breathe again. He wasn’t drowning alone but he was treading water. He was learning how to swim with the current instead of trying to fight it every step of the way; but, it was hard when the sky looked so dark above him and all the blue was gone. 

The good days and the bad days left their mark on him. 

It wasn’t supposed to be easy but Saeran wished that it could be. It would have been better than hitting a wall and breaking down when it got too hard. The most pressing question was the hardest one to go and reason with. 

He sighed, “How do you deal with this?” 

“Sometimes, I don’t deal with it. You’ve seen me break down and cry about what happened to me and about what happened to us plenty of times now. The only reason I get up is that I know your hand is going to be there for me to grab when I need it. So, I know it’s asking a lot of you, could you please take my hand when you need it?” She asked.

Her eyes watched every move he made from that point with bated breath. 

Saeran couldn’t promise her that he would be able to do that every time it sprang up like this on him. He didn’t want to drag her down with him on a bad day, but at the same time, she wanted to help him. It was like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. He wanted to promise that he could, but he just couldn’t. 

Not every day. 

It just wasn’t at a point where he could do that. 

“I can’t promise I’ll always meet your hand when I reach out,” he said, quietly. 

“That’s okay, too, Saeran. As long as you reach out for someone, that’s better than doing this all on your own. We’re in this together, we’re partners, remember? I look out for you and you look out for me, it’s a really simple system.” 

“...I’m sorry.” 

“For what?” 

“For loading all of these off onto you… for making you worry… I just… There's so much that I have to work on with myself and it’s hard sometimes. I don’t want to hurt you again and I’m so scared that I’ll hurt you. I already can’t forgive myself for what I did. If it happened again, I…” 

Leaning just a bit closer, enough that he could feel her breath against his cheek once more and the shiver it brought with it. “I promise, no matter what, I’ll be here with you. You won’t hurt me, I’ll promise you that. I know you love me. I love you, too. No matter what happens, we’ll cross those problems when and if, they ever happen, together.” 

Saeran shut his eyes as he was unable to meet her gaze any longer. She was right, and he knew that, he knew that she was right. The itch and the failure of his emotions still hurt. He wanted so badly to be a better man but there was so much he couldn’t change about himself. He loved her, he loved her more than he loved himself. He loved her more than life itself. 

He wanted her to know that. 

She was his angel and she was his strength. 

“I mean what I said, Saeran. Your hands are made for more than destruction. You’re beautiful, and I love that about you. Your heart is what I love. Even though the world kicked you and shoved all of its problems on you, you’re still here with me, and you’re free.”

“I don’t know how you see something good in somebody like me.”

“There’s good in everyone. You just have to give them a chance.” 

He didn’t know what to say about that. Saeran felt like there was so much on his mind but she was there to ground him. He leaned forward and rested his forehead against hers with a small sigh. 

The dread was quiet now, but it would take a while for him to work on that. He had to let go of one of her hands just so he could wipe away some of her tears. She didn’t have to cry for him, but she did all the same. If he let himself think right now, he would doubt not only himself but everything that she had said to him. 

Saeran needed to lose himself inside of something… his emotions… something to dull his fears and remind him that he was alive. He knew that he could tell her to stop if he wanted, but he needed her and he needed her now. He needed to feel her love in more than just words. 

He inhaled the breath that she exhaled, “Kiss me.” 

And she kissed him, slowly, deeply, madly; all he could fixate on was how tender her touch was and how sincere it felt. It was all she encompassed all of them, and he wasn’t sure where he started and where she ended. 

Saeran needed it. 

He needed to feel her and he needed to feel what it felt like to be alive in this world again. Saeran gasped into the kiss and felt his lungs burn and cry for air but he wouldn't give her up for a second. He wanted to breathe her in until he was high on her taste. Her arms were snuggly wrapped around his shoulders and his legs were drawn over her lap. 

They were already close but he wanted to be even closer. He wanted to feel every part of her as they stopped being two separate beings and became one. He knew that she wanted it, too. The way that she kissed him was with reckless abandon. Tongue, teeth, and the notion that her lips would be swelled by the time the night was over. 

To drown in her love would be all that he wanted. "I… want… you…" his haphazard words left his lips in a stream every time she moved against his mouth to steal another kiss. "I… need... you… I… need... you. I need… you… please." 

Things were moving fast but he didn’t want to stop. He didn’t want to think. Her fingers wracked through his hair with one hand gently pulled him away from her lips long enough that they could catch their breath. Just enough, but not enough for this feeling2. It would never be enough. 

But, he couldn't bear to lose that touch now or ever. 

His forehead just rested against hers for the longest moment, and then she responded. "Isn't that my line, Saeran?" A coy smile pulled at her lips. "Begging you to spoil me rotten with your hands until I'm crying?" 

"I... I can't do that," his lower lip tucked under his top row of teeth. Even though he was the one that talked her into this, he felt ashamed. "I can't touch you like that now, Lila. I'll… I'll hurt you, again. I can't touch you with my hands." 

"You've not hurt me tonight, not like this," Lila whispered, her voice very thoughtful, and her eyes never leaving his. "And, I promise. You'll never hurt me again. You always want to do the right thing with me. You and Grave were scared, confused, and desperate. I don't blame you for what happened and I don't blame him for what happened that day."

He slowly nodded, needing to hear that for a second time that night from her words. He wanted her but he couldn’t be the one in control tonight. He needed her to show him that he could do this with her and not worry about hurting her or making her cry. “I… I need you to take the lead, okay? I feel better if you’re in control.” 

She understood. “Tell me if it’s too much at any moment, I will stop.” 

Saeran knew that she meant that. 

It meant the world to him that she meant every word of that. Nobody ever had respected his boundaries or his consent in his life. Not like she did, she always asked him if it was okay to touch him and if it was okay to kiss him. She never acted without asking him or making sure that he was okay with what she was doing with him. 

It seemed like such a small thing… like giving her control. In his past, he never would have let someone tell him what to do or lead him around, but he trusted her. He trusted her with his life and he would always do so. She wouldn’t hurt him. She never wanted to hurt him. She wanted to take care of him as much as she could.

That’s why she was his angel. 

And he slowly allowed Lila to do as she wanted. She urged him back against the sheets step by step and he sank deeper into the pillows. Her touch was very gentle and well-thought-out. If he did need her to walk him through the steps with her guidance, she would. Slowly but surely she helped him remove all the clothing that separated the two of them. 

Discarded to the ground without a care, it wasn’t long before they were bare to each other once again. 

Her hands ran up and down his abdomen with a small flick of her wrist, nothing scandalous just the feeling of her fingers against his flesh. Saeran couldn’t take his eyes off of her for a moment, she was always so small, whether she had clothing or not.

There had been a time when a part of him thought she was small and weak, like a mouse, but as it turned out, she was just as big and brave as any lion. 

"Just watch for now, okay?" she murmured. She wanted to show just how far she could push herself for him. Her hand sunk lower and lower beneath her folds as she touched herself and tried to maintain eye contact with him. 

A first, oftentimes, she would look away because she had her insecurities about her body if she was this vulnerable.

To show yourself to someone in this capacity was opening yourself up to everything that you were wary about, and Lila, someone who was anxious about having her body seen, this was a big step. It was like riding a bike, and she knew how to pleasure her body better than anyone else. 

He was just along for the ride. Saeran watched with bated breath as her fingers made quick and easy work of her body. Fingers gliding against moist heat and the sloshing but the vulgar sound of wetness crashing against her inner thighs the longer she continued to pleasure herself. God, she was mere inches away from his cock and it felt like she was right against him. 

The heat quickly lulling him to harden and stiff up in response. It was so warm and hot that he longed for more. He couldn't help but stroke himself as she shivered. 

She had been more riled up and pent up than he realized. Was that his fault, or perhaps there was more to it than that? It might have had something to do with the fact that she hadn't been able to see him in a few days. She squirmed and ached against him, so much that he could practically feel her throbbing from his spot against the sheets. 

"...You're beautiful," he found himself saying aloud without thinking. It was all that he could fixate on as she was this close. "I love your body. I know you struggle with how you see yourself but you've never looked more beautiful to me than when you're selfless. Is that all for me? Is that how much I affect you?"

Did she know how lovely she was? Did she understand the depth of what he felt? Even if he couldn’t always say it? Minutes passed and he couldn’t tear his eyes away from her for a second. It wasn't long before she was trembling so much that she was nearly pushed over the edge. She gasped, looking back at him. 

Eyes flooding with tears as she spoke, "Yes… yes… yes… always. It's all for you tonight, Saeran."

He knew that she wasn't going to last very long at that rate. It was too soon, too soon for her to flood over the edge. He reached forward and grasped at her wrist, drawing it away from herself as she stared at him for the longest moment. Her whine in response was so cute. She made no way of fighting him back for what he was doing. 

Lila simply quivered. 

They had faith in one another, no matter the cost. That fact had never changed between them. It was obvious that they both needed it and they both wanted it. It was just a matter of asking if it was okay. Just a matter of knowing if their words were the same. "Do you trust me?" 

"Always." 

"Is this okay, then?" 

"Yes, more than okay." 

“Good,” Lila gripped his hand. It was such a small thing but it felt right to them, like puzzle pieces. It was the only way that they knew how to be. From Mint Eye to now in their present, always clinging to each other hoping for the best to happen. She was shaking from exertion but she wasn’t going to stop unless he said to. “I don’t think I can l—last for long but I—” 

“Together,” he murmured. 

“Together,” she said. 

She was grounding herself as much as he was grounding himself. He stared at their hands and how they united them; this was a reminder that she wanted him for more than his body, she wanted to be with him in every way possible because he made her feel good about herself. 

He made her want to believe again. 

She made him want to believe again. 

Knowing that she had his faith within her, he watched as she sucked in a breath and her chest rose, only to fall as her hips slowly sank more and more, enveloping his cock inch by inch until she could take no more of him. The smallest bulge protruding from her gut as he was buried to the hilt. 

She was throbbing around him and all he could think about was how much he loved Lila. And for the longest moment, they just stared at each other, wrapped up in the emotions that came from sex itself. 

Oftentimes, when they were wrapped up in this sort of display of intense emotions, it would be heated and things would escalate without a lot of second-guessing. This time, it felt like they were seeing each other for who they were. 

As if they were able to see underneath the flesh and blood to the soul. 

Her, seeing him splayed back against the bed with one hand tucked into the pillow behind him, mint eyes half-lidded and lips agape as his entire body trembled. Every nerve ending told him to rock into her and make friction but he wanted to savor this moment for as long as he possibly could. His red hair ruffled and tousled. 

Him, seeing her bathed in the warm glow of the blue light. Her face warm, freckles splattered to the brim with red and brown eyes trembling as she couldn't find the words to say. Her short curls framed her face just enough that it would not hide her smile from him, but just messy enough that he could see how disheveled she was. 

Love was messy and that was the beautiful thing. He wasn't smiling but the bright light was in his eyes once again. His tears were a mark of his love, not a weakness. Lila was smiling at him through the ache and the burn of their shared desire, her own eyes flooded with those happy tears that splashed against his abdomen. 

"I love you," she said. 

"You are my life," he said, automatically. He was hardly the sentimental type by any means, but there was just something about the way she had comforted him that made him want to give her everything he had in his heart. “I love you more than life itself.” 

He reached forward and grasped at one of her hands. She interlocked their fingers together with that smile never fading. It was silly, but he wanted to hold her hand until he came unglued on top of him like this. He wanted to be there by her side every step of the way if she would let him, and by God, he knew that she would let him. 

He trusted Lila. 

She squeezed his hand back before smiling, letting him know that she was going to move now. No amount of preparation was going to ease him up, and she knew just the way to wind him up. She lifted her hips with a gentle fever and sank back down against him and that was when the final dam broke down. It took her more seconds to find a steady groove, rocking against him as her body crashed into his.

It was a symphony of emotions bundled into a single punch. "You're beautiful," she breathed all at once. "Your hands, your arms, your face, your hair, your smile… all of it. Every part of you, my love." 

The praise that she spoke to him with far too much to rationalize. However, every word that she said was something that he could not forget. No part of him was left without her saying her compassion for him.

Saeran was at her mercy and her whims, but she was with them every step of the way, never going faster than what she knew was just right for him. She knew where she wanted to be touched by his body now, easily swaying her hips in a sweeping figure eight. 

The best part about it was the view that he was privy to. Her head drawn back, eyes shut, lips slightly parted and body trembling with every thrust. Her stamina might have been a little bit better than his but she definitely couldn't hold out forever on her own. 

She was giving it all she could muster. Saeran had been so caught up in the heat of the moment that it hadn't even just occurred to him quite yet to move. 

Watching Lila take all of him always drove him wild in countless ways. 

It wasn't often that they did this. That is to say, they did not have sex just to have sex. It took a lot out of him to do things that required so much physical and emotional stimulation. When they did things like this it was because he felt like he was okay letting himself be ensnared by the feelings that infected him.

It was like that the first time that they did it.

After he failed to complete their mission and take the party coordinator under his custody, everything she did for him after that point was to make sure that he felt like he could breathe again. She gave him an excuse to ignore all of the emotions that he was feeling. It felt like he was going to lose his life until she touched him. 

A moment of passion in a cramped space, their tight car steaming up until there was nothing but the warmth of their breath. And every time that came after that was done with the well-meaning purpose of trying to ground them to reality. 

She clung to him and he clung to her, simply and desperately seeking someone to make them feel alive and safe in the cruel and unforgiving world. And that's what they were, two people desperate to find someone who believed in them.

"Aaah…!"

He caught her off-guard, rocking his hips back into hers without hesitation. Her head snapped to attention and she stared at him with wide eyes as he managed to hit just the right spot all on his own without having to try more than once. The gasp and moan that left her lips was music to his ears. 

Saeran had said that she could take the lead but he hadn't said that she would have it the entire time. That was easy. Watching her sway against him and quiver from just the smallest of motion made with his body. 

He needed more. 

And, he felt like he had the strength to give her everything she had given him tonight. He caught her hand in his and pulled her attention back on him. Her eyes quivered with every single passing second that he didn't move and she hesitated to keep her strength. 

"Let me," he insisted. 

The second that she nodded her head, he knew that she relented control back over to him right away; and he gave her exactly what they both wanted, pulling her from him just long enough to ease her back against the sheets, her lips tucked underneath her teeth to stifle some of the needy whimpers. "Please, Saeran!" 

In spite of himself, he couldn't help it, "What was that about begging, you said, again?" 

"Mmmm… I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I won't tease you like that again," that groan that escaped her was enough to make him laugh again. "Please, just fuck me." 

"I can't say no when you ask like that." 

She shifted her legs apart and he resettled himself against her, slowly thrusting forward and letting himself savor the moment of her warmth as its pulsating desire let him know just how badly she wanted him. 

He made her a promise and he was determined to show that his hands could make her feel good, once and for all, to prove to his fears that she was right about him. And he made good on that promise concentrating his entire effort on making her feel as good as she made him feel. 

With their roles reserved, he was able to see her tear-filled eyes stare at him with such compassion and joy. The pleas and gasps of nonsensical words were a testament to the way she felt. He thrust at just the right time, willing himself to remember every spot that would make her toes curl and her eyes see stars.

She was at his mercy now, and he wouldn't let her regret it. Timed with his thrusts, his hand sank between her legs as his digits brushed against that bundle of nerves, and that was what drew a scream out of her. A normally quiet voice raised to the heat of pleasure, he knew that it was a gift. " _Saeran, Saeran, Saeran_ …" 

Like a symphony of her love. 

This was what he could do with his hands. He could wipe away her tears and make her feel better, and there was no denying that she felt good. This wasn’t destruction by his hand, no, nothing of the sort. This was the creation of something beautiful. Love was messy and exhausting but this was not hurting her. 

This was showing her the weight of his love. 

Lila was right. No matter what his fears told him, this was a memory that he could make in his mind to discount that trembling fear of what if. He loved her, he loved her, he loved her more than anything in this life. She was a blessing that he didn’t want to take for granted. Even though they were broken in all kinds of ways—

It didn’t mean they weren’t beautiful. 

The heat piling inside of him was just as strong as her pleas but he was nowhere near as vocal as she was. His low grunts and groans were quiet but he knew that she wanted to hear him no matter how small he thought his voice could be. But, he would push himself to his limit and over so they could cum together. And, Saeran was locked away within those feelings with each passing second, his flush skin warm and overheated. 

The tension just grew and grew until he knew that he could no longer handle it anymore, yet, he persisted, spurring her to the edge where she quickly plummeted, seizing around him with a firmness as her mouth opened in a silent scream. Her entire body trembled as her climax washed over everything all at once. 

It wasn’t long after that he reached his peak, pulling out just with enough time to spare as he came, white splattered against her thighs as Saeran found himself falling apart all at once. Flushed and overcome with the high. His body shaking long after the release, slumping against her tiny frame without a second thought, head resting against her chest. 

Her heart was still racing fast enough for him to hear the thuds. Breathlessly, he could feel her inhale and then laugh. Lila ran her hand against the back of his head, his messy hair pulled beyond reason but still her favorite part of him to touch when they relaxed. He needed this, and he was glad that she was there for him when he needed someone. 

Saeran didn’t have to look at Lila to know she was smiling again.

“Feeling better?” she asked. 

“Mmm, we may have to do that again just to be sure,” his response to that was quite a bit of a joke but the way she responded to that made him chuckle. That was how she would know that he was feeling better. It wasn’t perfect but it did help him to realize something that he had been struggling to work on for weeks. 

“Haha, very funny, Saeran,” her lips brushed against the top of his head. He could’ve settled here for the rest of the night but they would have to get cleaned up soon. “I see you’ve stolen Saeyoung’s sense of humor for some reason. Maybe, I should be worried.” 

He bristled in response. “Don’t mention that idiot when we’re in bed, Lila. Disgusting. That’s the last thing I want to hear right now.”

“Forgive me, I know that’s a grievous sin,” she countered his words with another laugh. The sound of music to his ears by all accounts. “I’m just… I’m just happy you’re here with me. I hope you know that. My love for you is just as strong as it was yesterday, and as it will be tomorrow. I’m here…. I promise, so talk to me when you need me.” 

They hadn’t let go of each other’s hands. 

Saeran squeezed her hand tightly. “I’ll try. Forgive me if I’m an asshole about it sometimes and brush you off. I don’t want to hurt you. I know that’s no excuse but…” 

“I know.” 

“Thank you, for being here with me.” 

“I promised you forever, Saeran.”

“I’m… I guess I’m here as long as you want me.” 

"Haha, always." 


End file.
